Thursday, July 29, 2010

The ire that keeps me awake at night

If I can't sleep at night, it's generally due to a thought I am perseverating on (never end a sentence with a preposition).  Mulling it over in my mind, like how you can't leave your braces alone when they are first installed, and you eventually wear your tongue raw.  My nerves are now worn raw, and if I don't let off a little steam, this angry little volcano is going to blow. 


This one thing that has keep me from satisfying rest of late is Hidden Valley Ranch.  Seriously?  Yes.  Their god-damned commercials are a crime against nature and humanity.  "oh children will eat vegetables because they only taste delicious when they are slathered with our fat/salt compound that is proprietarily protected"  Mother fuckers.  No wonder us Americans are all fat-asses--companies like this telling us the only way to enjoy something composed of plant material is to make it completely unhealthy.  This commercial has been running for months, if not over a year.  It singes my soul each time I see it.  


Another reason we're all fat asses, and this is just a personal opinion...  Our progenitors did not have good dental care, so they resorted to over-cooking their vegetables and dousing them with gravy so they could swallow them whole and prevent starving to death.  I would imagine navigating a stick of celery would be a little tricky if you had no teeth.  But...  bygone yesteryears...  move forward folks!  We have access to dental care, we can use a toothbrush and toothpaste to keep our teeth in our heads.  Why the hell are we over-cooking our veggies and making them disgusting?  I am not one of those "raw" diet freaks, I just think applying a little heat to our veggies instead of reducing them to near-compost devoid of flavor makes more sense.


I'll be honest, I don't like all veggies.  Eggplant was something that I finally became friends with.  I ended up roasting pieces with a little olive oil, honey, pepper, thai chiles, and salt.  You know what?  That makes eggplant pretty damn tasty!  If you don't like it, I challenge you to try cooking it two other ways before you give up on it completely--any vegetable, fruit, or nut (unless, of course, you're allergic).


All those veggies in the brassica family (cauliflower, broccoli, brussels sprouts, cabbage, etc) contain properties that if overcooked, will release a sulfury smell.  Okay, let's be honest, what kid is going to eat some mushy green thing that smells and tastes like a fart?  Just take it easy, steam the stuff for a few minutes, add some garlic and a bit of olive oil and you'll have a gourmet side dish.


I have to say, I feel a little better, but I have a lot more left keeping me up at night...   

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